Booze banter: cocktails SB would swipe left on
We like to think we’re a pretty open-minded bunch here at The Spirits Business – we’ll try anything once. But even we have our limits. Here, our editorial team shares the cocktails that we’d rather swerve when we’re sipping at the bar.
Being part of the SB editorial team means we get to sample world-class cocktails on the regular (yes, it’s as brilliant as it sounds). But every now and then, a concoction comes along that makes us question our life choices – and our taste buds.
Whether it’s a sugar-laden fruit salad in a glass, drinks that look better than they taste, or wild experiments that should’ve stayed in the lab, we’ve all got that one serve we will politely push away.
But hey, the world would be a dull place if we all liked the same tipple, right? Keep reading to find out which cocktails we duck and dodge – and what we’d rather be sipping instead.
Pornstar Martini
I’ll admit it – this cheekily named cocktail has grafted hard enough over the years to earn its spot on bar menus worldwide. But let’s be honest: its fame seems to come more from its suggestive title than from what’s actually in the glass.
Sure, there’s a certain novelty to the floating passionfruit half and the sidecar of Prosecco (which feels like a two-for-one deal but, sadly, isn’t), but when it comes to actual flavour, it falls flat for me. Syrupy-sweet enough to make your teeth itch, and with little connection to a real Martini in anything but glassware, I just don’t get the hype.
I’d rather have: If I’m going to have a Martini that’s not really a Martini (though let the record show that I would always rather the classic over a variation), then give me something like a Breakfast Martini, created by industry legend Salvatore ‘The Maestro’ Calabrese. It’s got balance and sweetness but still offers a bit of sophistication. I’m also a big fan of anything that justifies cocktails before 10am.
Georgie Collins, digital editor
Cosmopolitan
Apologies for being crude, but anything that can ease a UTI shouldn’t be in a cocktail. Cranberries are very welcome at Christmastime, and I would never ban the sauce from my table – but when it comes to cocktails, the Cosmopolitan is a strict no-no for me at any time of year.
For me, most cranberry juices are too sweet, plus they have a dry mouthfeel that is completely bizarre for a liquid. When I think of a Cosmo, I also think of a particularly artificial lime finish – that’s likely to do with the quality of the serves I’ve tried in the past, but I can’t break the association. Plus, vodka is my least favourite spirit – it’s all adding up to disaster for the Cosmo, I’m afraid.
I’d rather have: The Cosmo is an iconic 90s cocktail thanks to Carrie Bradshaw. But, if I’m picking a drink to summarise the decade I was born in, I’d go for a White Russian (even though I don’t like The Big Lebowski – sorry!). It’s certainly not a cocktail for sessioning, but I love pairing Kahlúa, a coffee vodka (Sapling’s limited edition was my fave, when I had some) and cream for a boozy dessert drink.
Lauren Bowes, bars editor
Bloody Mary
Cold tomato soup, but make it boozy – it’s a hard pass from me. I know it’s a firm favourite worldwide, but I’m afraid to say no amount of extra Tabasco, salt, pepper, lime juice, or additional ingredients is going to convert me into a fan. Whenever I’ve had a Bloody Mary, I feel the same way I feel about gazpacho: I wish it was hot.
I’d rather have: I’m leaning into my vodka Martini era and if I was choosing a savoury serve, a Dirty Martini would fit the bill nicely. In fact, make it filthy à la Bar Leone in Hong Kong. I recently had the pleasure of sampling the acclaimed bar’s Filthy Martini, which uses smoked olive brine for an extra dimension, and a deliciously salty, borderline ‘meaty’, crisp, cold cocktail.
Melita Kiely, editor-in-chief
Mojito
Let’s be frank here. Mojito is considered an easy-to-make, refreshing classic cocktail with five ingredients, but there are so many things that can go wrong. Even though most trained bartenders know the secret to the ‘perfect’ Mojito, ordering it seems to be a gamble most of the time. Many venues have their own way of making a Mojito, whether with white caster sugar, sugar syrup, or brown sugar, with crushed ice or cubes, and with dark or white rum.
Not only are there many variables, but some might misunderstand the purpose of the muddler, which is used to get the juices out of the limes – not to annihilate the mint leaves or mush the lime beyond recognition. After more than 10 years behind the bar, I’ve witnessed a lot of mint being massacred (rest their souls). The leaves only need a tap to get the aroma out, not muddled with sugar and lime into little pieces, releasing the bitterness within. And the more bitter the flavour, the more chance for a terrible headache. Nothing refreshing about that.
I’d rather have: A Boulevardier any day of the week. A classic 1920s cocktail that combines rye whiskey or, for a sweeter touch, Bourbon, Campari, and sweet vermouth like Antica Formula. Even though it’s not meant to be so much of a refreshing cocktail, but a nice warming treat for the belly, a Boulevardier is always a winner in my books (although I might be far from ‘a wealthy, fashionable socialite’).
Miona Madsen, content writer
Mimosa
Meh-mosas… yeah? Sorry to offend any readers who enjoy these cocktails, and with that weak joke. It’s not that I have anything personal against them, they’re just not something I’d order for a memorable taste experience, though it doesn’t help that I’ve mostly drunk them at free-flow brunches and then don’t want to see them again for a good while after. I’d rather a Spritz if we’re going the bottomless route, or even the below…
I’d rather have: A Bloody Mary. Unlike Melita, I dig a bit of boozy cold tomato soup, especially at breakfast time, so I’ll take hers as well. I live by ‘the more the merrier’: celery, bacon, peppers, olives, hot sauce and maybe even a grilled cheese sandwich on top (this used to happen at a place in Shanghai). I like it to be a spectacle that’s almost difficult to drink. It’s also good on flights…
Rupert Hohwieler, senior staff writer
Mint Julep
I am sure that a Mint Julep slaps in the hot Kentucky sun, but over the years, I’ve found it to require too much labour, barware, and ice for what it ends up being. You’ll need a special silver cup, a Lewes bag, a mallet – you know, things you won’t need for any other drink. You’ll need to pulverise the ice and, when you think you’re done, you’re probably only about halfway. I have vivid memories of a publicist crushing ice on a conference room floor – the drink just doesn’t taste as good when it feels like there is a humiliation ritual involved. And just imagine how much ice and crushing of said ice will be required if you’re trying to make more than one of these. I’ve had some Mint Julep riffs in the past that bring a new perspective to the drink, but it seems like more of a pain in the ass than anything else.
I’d rather have: A Mojito. If I want something refreshing where mint is the star, don’t fuss with the crushed ice and silver chalice – just give me a classic Mojito. It is one of the few cocktails my mother-in-law will let me make her, so it reminds me of time spent by the pool, ice rattling around in the glass, the hot sun on my face.
Ted Simmons, US correspondent
Long Island Iced Tea
When a cocktail calls for an excessive amount of booze, it immediately sounds like a bad decision. Is there really a need to mix equal amounts of vodka, gin, Tequila, rum and triple sec in one drink, and then mix it with cola? You’re simply asking for trouble and a terrible hangover.
This so-called ‘cocktail’ is just an excuse to get drunk fast and any decent bar (or any venue for that matter) should be ashamed to have this on their menu. Please can we 86 this drink once and for all? Industry folk should know better, after all we should be promoting responsible drinking.
I’d rather have: The complete opposite, but simple serves are the way forward. I guess you could call a Long Island a ‘simple serve’ as it’s really quite basic. But I’m talking three-ingredient cocktails – I’m partial to Martinis, Margaritas (the spicy kind) and Old Fashioneds.
Nicola Carruthers, deputy editor
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