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Top alcohol-themed jokes and one-liners

Funny jokes never get old, especially when they’re related to your favourite tipple. Here are some of the most amusing alcohol quips you will ever find online.

Here are some alcohol-related jokes to entertain any drinker

It’s fair to say that 2020 has been pretty heavy, with more than a few challenges presented.

There’s plenty to be anxious, angry and fed up about, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still share a joke, preferably over a well-made drink.

If you are in need of some light entertainment then we have just the tonic. Here, we have rounded up some of our favourite quick-fire jokes and videos from across the internet.

Some classics, and some that you may not have seen or heard before, but all with a loose connection to the world of alcohol, naturally, with the sole aim of making you smile.

Click through the following pages to see our pick of top drinks-related jokes.

Got a joke for us? Comment below and give us a laugh.

Michael McIntyre

When was the last time you got utterly gazeboed? Here, English comedian Michael McIntyre recounts how posh people get drunk.

And here’s another on being an expert orderer when it comes to wine.

One-liners

What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a Martini?

“Olive or twist?”

 

Went to an Abba-themed pub, the toilets were amazing.

What a loo! 

 

What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?

A cab.

Drunk History

First launched in the US, Drunk History is an online series that sees celebrities star in historical reenactments, recounted by a slightly squiffy narrator. It has since landed in the UK too.

Here are a couple of highlights, starring actors Ryan Gosling, Eva Mendes, Jim Carey, and from the UK version, comedian Joe Lycett.

Flo and Joan’s Perfect Night Out

The sister act are best known in the UK for their Nationwide ads, but are also an established, AND very relatable, musical comedy duo.

 Man walks into a bar…

A cat walks into a car. The bartender asks “what’ll you have?”

“A shot of rum,” replies the cat. The bartender pours the cat his drink.

Eyeing it carefully, the cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.

“Another.”

 

Two guys walk down a street. One walks into a bar, the other ducks.

 

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

“Bartender, how much do I owe you?” the neutron asks.

“For you, no charge.”

 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.

“Two pints please. One for me and one for the road.”

Micky Flanagan

“Are you going out? Or out out?” English comedian Micky Flanagan gives a hilarious description of a night out.

Greg Davies

English comedian and actor Greg Davies recounts a booze-fuelled story about being a teacher on a school trip while on The Graham Norton Show. 

For a longer laugh, click here, and hear about another of Davies’ escapades. Trust us, it’s worth it.

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